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After three days of radio silence, Lena decided it was a long enough time for her to find Natalie to talk to her again. She did away with texts or phone calls because those just felt completely impersonal, especially when handling such a delicate matter like this.
Admittedly, Lena still didn't know where she went wrong. All she knew was she wanted her friend back.
But Natalie had gone AWOL from the yoga studio and Lena wasn't dumb enough to corner her where she didn't have the option to leave. So she had resorted to stalking the other woman and ended up running down the beach where Natalie liked to run. One whole week of running down there and bupkiss. Either Natalie didn't run there anymore or the other woman was just very aware of when Lena was going to be around.
Either way, it wasn't good for Lena.
Her anxieties kicked in and she missed her friend. It was a deadly combo which resulted in a lot of random strangers in her bed. It wasn't healthy, she was sure of that, but she didn't know any better.
She was about to give up hope one day when she saw very familiar dogs running around a very familiar woman. She picked up her pace with the pups picking up speed as well. They blew her cover as they yipped at the bigger dogs to alert their presence.
"Nat!" She called out just as she managed to catch up to the other woman.
Running on the coast, even in the winter, was one of the best ways for Natalie to find clarity. Cool, salty air was refreshing, and lately, she had found herself running almost every day between her own schedule, given that she had dropped the yoga sessions she had been taking in order to not have to step foot into the same building a certain dance instructor worked at daily. She took no consideration when to do so, never considering that someone might try to find her here.
Each foot pushed forward to its own rhythm; Natalie much preferred the sound of the ocean to any music that could blast in her ears. So when she first heard the two small, familiar voices moments before they barked out loud, Natalie knew exactly who they belonged to. Moments later, the owner's voice called out to her. The trainer felt that knot in her stomach, and despite her initial desire to keep running, she slowed and came to a halt. The two dogs that had been playing in the sand slowed as well.
She'd been running for a while now, and the sweat that dripped from her forehead gave good sign of that, as was the slight shortness of her breath. Turning to face the dancer, lifted the back of her hand to her head, wiping some of it away. "Hi Lena," she greeted, though it was hard to sound as enthused as she often had been in the past.
As the dogs greeted each other happily with licks and yips, Lena noted the distant tone in Natalie's voice. She didn't blame the trainer but once again, she still wasn't sure where she went wrong.
Biting her lower lip, Lena tried to find the words to make this encounter less painful than it already was. "I haven't seen you around the yoga studio...I'm guessing that's...on purpose."
Yeah, that's definitely the way to go.
"Natalie...I know this is such a cop out but I don't know what I did wrong. Could you please tell me what I can do to make things right?" She sighed and swept her hand over her forehead as she felt the pinpricks behind her eyes. "I miss you."
Dark eyes couldn't settle so easily on the form in front of her; she instead looked to the dogs. Things were so transparent with them. Her lips pressed together when she finally dig drag her gaze back up towards the dancer, widening at the question asked of her. She felt the weight of making amends put on her shoulders, and the trainer sucked in a deep breath of the sea air.
"It's not that you're seeing other people, if that's what you think." Natalie started to explain. At the very least, she could try to offer the dancer some sort of insight to her emotions, only now realizing how they weren't clear to her. Nat believed that Lena understood that much, given how she hadn't called or texted the trainer. "I just - I don't think you're as honest as I believed you to be. Not like I thought, and not as much as you think you are either."
She let out a sigh. A decent amount of time had gone by enough for her to linger on this. Who knew an exchange like that night had caused Natalie to stumble upon so much self reflection? "I think we need different things."
When Natalie finally spoke and told her that it wasn't about seeing other people, which frankly Lena didn't think was the problem either, the redhead had to wonder what else could be. Her further explanation didn't help either. It just made her even more confused.
"What do you mean, Nat?" She asked after Natalie's response died down.
She was trying to be strong, and at the question her eyes squeezed shut as she took in another deep breath. Eventually, she knew she would have to confront the dancer, but she hadn't expected it to be right then and there. When her eyes opened up again, she looked concerned, because she still did care for the woman in front of her. Nat tried to smile, but it felt a little weak when she wore it. "You said you wanted this since we first met," she recapped, a hand rotating to gesture to the space between them.
"That was three years ago." It was a painfully long time to hold something like that - something that was apparently more than sex. Somehow, she managed to push forward despite the way her chest ached. "Maybe I just really don't know what you want? Because your words and actions contrast."
If she were being honest, she still didn't know what Natalie was asking her. She wanted to play dumb but she knew the brunette deserved an answer.
She stepped forward to close the gap between them, though leaving space so Natalie wouldn't feel uncomfortable. "I've wanted to kiss you since the first time I saw you. I didn't want to assume anything and then after that, timing just never felt right. That night...you said you wanted people to be more truthful, to act on what they feel and I did.
"I wanted you and frankly I still want you. We had fun that night. That's what I want."
She breathed out a soft sigh. "Am I wrong in assuming that that's what you want as well?"
With the space between them dwindling, Natalie felt an all too familiar pain in her chest that she'd never expect the dancer to cause. Immediately, her gaze averted, looking out towards the grey waves crashing against the coastal line.
"I want something more than fun." Natalie replied, careful to make it known that she was using Lena's terminology to drive her point. "Even if it were casual," because it was obvious that that was the only way her friend functioned, "I need a little more emotion behind it."
Lena wasn't going to pretend that Natalie looking away from her didn't hurt. And then her response cut Lena a little deeper than she expected. Lena had never really entertained the idea of emotion behind sex because she already had that with her ex and that didn't end well.
She understood that people were different but if Lena couldn't deal with commitment with her ex, she didn't think she could handle commitment with anybody. She had fancied herself in love with her ex but she didn't love her enough to stay.
Natalie was a great girl, Lena loved her to bits but if she started to cling, Lena wouldn't know how to break it off gently. "Okay...that makes sense." Lena responded, careful not to show too much of any emotion.
"I won't pursue you anymore. But...is it at possible that we stay friends? You're one of the best ones I've had here and I don't want to lose that."
Natalie felt the smallest amount of relief when she was informed that she made sense, but as the dancer continued Natalie kept her eyes on the ocean waves. There it was, confirmation that she hadn't cared. Not truly. It was hard to keep a mutual expression, and she failed as her lips pressed into a thin, hardened line. Like that, Lena seemed like she could put it behind her.
"I want to keep our friendship," Nat explained, letting out a sigh. "But, I might need a little time." Slowly, her gaze started to turn back to Lena, hard as it was to hold her eye contact. She even tried to smile. "I'm not saying no." She reminded the dancer.
Lena's relief at knowing Natalie wasn't breaking off their friendship was short-lived when the brunette said she needed a little time. At least she didn't say no. It was the small wins that Lena was going to hold on to.
Natalie's smile hurt because Lena knew it was forced but she gave one in return anyway. She nodded and called her puppies to her. They begrudgingly left their friends and stood at her heel.
"I can give you time. You know where to find me."
Lena had a strong urge to close the gap even further by hugging Natalie but she knew it was way too soon. "I'm really sorry, Nat. I wish I could give you what you want. You deserve the world."
Those words sounded almost lifeless, despite the way Natalie did her best try to keep a positive spin on the situation. Was time too much to ask for? She was sure that the request was reasonable, but it felt like tension rose even higher. What confused her was the apology that followed, and it settled into her features as she furrowed her eyebrows. It was an apology that didn't make sense to her. It didn't feel like it was honest, but she had no place calling the dancer out on that.
"Thanks," she replied instead, stepping back on her heel. She felt a series of voices creeping into her mind and her eyes immediately went to Jodie and Oz before returning to the dancer. "I should go."
