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Natalie's surprise did not go unnoticed but she was glad the brunette didn't touch on it or Clarke would have been spooked. When her guess was confirmed, she nodded before a little frown creased her forehead.
"Okay. Go on."
Clarke shouldn't have asked Natalie to go on because she wasn't even sure if she wanted to know. But Natalie was her friend, her best friend, she couldn't just ask her to stop, could she?
Go on. Natalie wondered when the last time was that she talked in great detail to Clarke about anything as heavy as this, but the redhead seemed eager to listen and she was thankful for that. She offered Clarke's hand a little squeeze, if only to encourage herself a little more.
"We slept together." That much was likely already implied, but it wasn't entirely her point. Her eyebrows creased together. "And it offered a lot of realization, obviously, because I just told you that, but the next morning -" As soon as she started, she felt the way her chest tightened in reflection of those events. "It was just... strange." Her nose crinkled when she felt she hadn't given the right word, but lacked a proper descriptor for her own emotions.
The sleeping together was definitely implied and Clarke winced ever so slightly when it was mentioned. But when Natalie said the next day was strange, Clarke couldn't help but frown again.
"Strange how?" She asked as she squeezed Natalie's hand as encouragement.
She should be better at this than she actually was. Natalie was her best friend and yet touching her was still an experience? She was better than this.
As much as this conversation was a revelation for Natalie, it was surprisingly also a revelation for Clarke, it seemed.
But it wasn't her time to...revelate. Natalie needed this time to unpack.
The wince on Clarke's face hadn't gone unnoticed, and Natalie immediately felt the familiar sensation of anxiety bubble in her stomach. Even though she felt the squeeze of her hand, that twitch of facial muscle lingered in her mind. She almost thought to let go entirely. At the very least, her grip loosened as she let out a sigh. There was a reason her and Clarke didn't dive into heavy subjects - it clearly made her friend uncomfortable.
She had to admit, it was endearing to see the girl try. Like she wanted to listen, despite the more obvious sign. "Nevermind," Nat immediately said upon instinct, shaking her head. "I didn't even ask you how your day was today. I shouldn't be unloading all of this on you."
When Natalie shut down, Clarke's jaw slacked slightly as she tried to figure out what happened. "Wait what?"
Natalie continuing to ask about her day and insisting that she shouldn't be unloading on Clarke made the redhead shake her head before pulling Natalie's hand on to her lap.
"No. No no." Clarke started before taking a deep breath. "This is important, we're best friends, we should be able to unload. It...it's what best friends do. Yes?"
Really, Natalie thought that the moment she tried to drop the subject, Clarke would just allow it to be so. It was a surprise to feel her hand moved, or to hear the redhead fight for her to continue. It forced the trainer's eyebrows to rock upward. It was like she genuinely wanted to listen, even if it made her uncomfortable, and Nat found herself unsure which signs to read.
"You looked uncomfortable." She decided to point out plainly. "But it's just - this really sucked."
Waving a dismissive hand at Natalie's first remark, she concentrated on the second. She wondered what Lena had done to Natalie for the brunette to be this stressed out. She had known Natalie for quite a while and had never really seen the woman without a smile.
"But why did it suck, Nat? What did Lena do to you?" Clarke asked, scooching closer to Natalie and feeling like she wanted to just climb on to Natalie's lap.
Whatever had caught Clarke up seemed as though it was pushed through, because she was quickly being asked about the details that put her in distress. Nat pressed her lips together as she did her best to arrange the dwelling thoughts that she'd been letting settle for over a week now. "Everything happened really fast," she began. "And I'm not saying I didn't want to, it was just surprising. It felt like all or nothing with her. Physically, I mean."
Another breath, because now she couldn't stop in fear of not being able to pick up the subject again. "After she fell asleep, I was just laying there, thinking. It was a lot to take in, but I was glad. It was like a weight was lifted off of me." Nat regained the strength in her hand as she gave Clarke's a small squeeze. "But when I woke up the next morning, she wasn't even in the bed. And before I could fully wake up, she pointed out that she's sleeping with other people, and even though I already knew that, it wasn't the first thing I wanted to hear in the morning."
Clarke was really trying not to get too into her head as Natalie continued. She flinched slightly when mental images popped into her head of Natalie in compromising positions and she mentally shook her head. This was definitely not the time to be thinking of that.
But then the real emotions kicked in and Natalie was baring her soul. Clarke frowned when the conclusion of the story finally came.
"Oh God...I'm so sorry Nat." Without thinking, Clarke pulled Natalie into a brief hug and rubbed her back. It took everything in her not to bury her face in Natalie's shoulder and stay there.
She pulled away and looked at Natalie. "I'm sorry...so...Lena just...used you?"
An embrace brought surprise to Natalie's features, and she was glad that Clarke couldn't catch it thanks to the hug. Her hands settled on her waist, only drawing away when Clarke began to. By the time she could see her again, the trainer was offering a small smile as thanks. She lifted a hand to give her friend's arm a gentle squeeze.
"I think she believes sex is just... something to do. I know she didn't have malicious intentions, but she implied that she cared about me - as a person - but none of her actions reflect that. She said that I deserve the world, but didn't think how it would feel to wake up in an empty bed, realizing this huge thing about yourself, and then to remind me that she's sleeping with other people. It was like she was trying to tell me I wasn't in any way important."
Clarke's lips pinched inwards as Natalie continued to paint a picture of the night in question. Lena sounded like a real piece of work.
"And you told her that was what you were feeling, right? How could she do that to you? That is so...mean." Clarke frowned, decidedly not liking this Lena character for doing something so awful to such a sweetheart. "She sounds like a real jerk, Nat. What were you doing hanging out with her at all?"
It was strange, to feel distressed about something but then immediately feel the desire to defend Lena the moment she was called mean or a jerk. The results of the product of sleeping with a friend you'd known for years. The thought actually made her laugh, even in a moment where she was venting some of her anxieties. "She's actually quite nice - as a friend, I mean." Anything beyond that felt like territory that didn't quite match up the way she could have hoped.
"Just, isn't it strange how I could realize something so big about myself after something like that?"
Clarke looked at Natalie in disbelief when she defended her friend. But she didn't say anything. Lena was Natalie's friend, not hers, so it wasn't her place to say anything.
"I...I suppose it makes sense?" Clarke offered. "I mean...you did say you've known to some extent that you lean towards women. Lena in some way did you a favour by having you accept it? In the most terrible way possible but...I guess there's a silver lining to it?" She winced at her own advice.
She was in no position to say anything about self-revelations, really.
Natalie knew how absurd it must have sounded to try and protect Lena from some of the negative words her best friend said. She hadn't even spoken to the dancer in some time, the exception being when she had caught her running along the coast. But at least Clarke understood to some extent, as much as someone could when defending their best friend.
She nodded, lifting a hand to draw back strands of hair that had fallen in her face, tucking them back behind her ear. "There definitely is." Even more than a silver lining, even. The trainer bit down on her lip, feeling the crack of a smile try to break through as she wondered how Clarke would take the continuation of her story. "I mean, I feel like I can suddenly go out, because now I know what I'm looking for. I've even met someone."
She blew out a sigh of relief when Natalie didn't seem too offended by her words. She would have felt completely guilty otherwise.
Clarke's eyes widened when Natalie said she had met someone. "Oh...that's wonderful Nat." She smiled widely, crinkling the corners of her eyes.
"Um...what is she like?" Clarke asked, still unsure of the dynamic they had suddenly opened between them. It was like they were entering another territory they were both so unsure of yet Clarke was eager to explore.
