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Her comment about the weather made him laugh and he pursed his lips to try and rein it in. After he composed himself, he nodded, "You're right, seems a little odd to try and make small talk. I hate small talk." And he didn't mind talking to her about the bigger things in life.
It concerned him that she could think he wasn't capable of trusting her after what had happened. Perhaps before he might have hesitated to trust her, but he'd had plenty of time to consider the problems. And most of them happened to land on him. He squeezed her hand, "I don't think I'm capable of losing my trust in you. Whether that's a good thing or just pathetic, I have yet to figure out." He laughed again, but this time it was at himself. Maybe she was right, but until she gave him a current reason not to trust her, he was choosing to ignore what had happened before.
"The fact of the matter is that, while we hit a rough spot before I left, you're still the first person who ever gave me a fair chance. That holds some weight with me." She'd helped him thaw and even probably helped him grow up a little.
Callie was grateful he saw no need in delving into shallow topics instead. There might have been more worth airing between them, and she was just as grateful for the opportunity at all. When he talked about trust, she knew she didn't think she deserved it. Given the trouble she'd gone through with Chandler trying to earn a shred of a past relationship, she just sort of expected it from him too.
He made it easy, and that was so her style.
As she held his hand, Callie idly ran her thumb across his skin. The stark difference in temperature was somehow comforting, and she wanted to keep it. "Well, I mean, we were kids." She started, letting herself at least try to justify everything. "We're still young and dumb - at least, I know I am - but not so bad that I'd wreck anything with you again. You're so good and you really do deserve someone who'll give you a decent try."
Luca was a little nervous by how easy it all seemed. He knew it was in large part because he was making it as much, but it was just the natural feeling between them. It was naturally comfortable. Talking to her was easy, holding her hand was easy. She made him forget his own insecurities.
The words that came from her mouth only solidified how he felt towards her. Callie gave him a different perspective of himself because she saw him as this decent human being while also knowing all she needed to about him. She didn't make him feel cold the way everyone else did and she genuinely wanted the best for him. He took a deep breath and offered a small laugh, "We are still young, I don't think you are dumb though. I've never thought that. And I don't want you to either." His tone became serious and he added pressure to her fingers. Luca's eyebrows pulled together and he considered his next words carefully. "I want all of that for you, too. I know you think that you're deserving of all this anger I'm supposed to have, but I don't think you understand how impossible it is to be upset with you."
Luca lifted his eyes and sighed, "You're one of the sweetest and kindest people I've ever met. You care so much for everyone and hardly leave anything for yourself." He was beginning to struggle with his words. The problem with talking about their past was that he wasn't sure if he'd give away that he still wasn't quite over it. There was this unrelenting fear of saying too much, but he trusted her. "That was one of the things that always made me worry about us. That I was taking all of this love you had to give and not giving enough back."
Callie was willing to say just about any truth to get Luca to pay attention to what she thought was the obvious. She'd never thought there was anything wrong with him, but he was so caught up in that belief that it seemed impossible to break down. And there he was, flipping her words and complimenting her at the same time.
"I never thought there was a great unfair exchange, or anything like that." She explained, the corner of her mouth pulling to a frown. "And I think I always got that you weren't super touchy or whatever because you feel a certain way about yourself. I didn't think it had much to do with me."
"You didn't?" He looked up at her. Luca was aware that he was damaged and scary and that it was next to impossible to get anything through his thick skull. The fact that she hadn't given up on trying yet was a miracle."I guess that's typical of me, isn't it? Seeing everything wrong with me that might not even be as bad as I think it is." He had to laugh because it wasn't intentional, it wasn't like he woke up every day looking for everything he did wrong. It was just all he'd learned to pay attention to.
Luca smiled up at her, "You know, it probably doesn't seem like it now because I kind of took a step backwards going back home, but I wasn't as uncomfortable with the physicality of our relationship by the end of it. Holding hands terrified me because if I ever reached out to my twin and touched her, it would hurt us both. But this..." he looked down at their hands on the table and he grinned wider, "This is comfortable. Hugging you, kissing you, all of it became easier over time. I didn't think it could be as easy as it was."
His surprise gave Callie cause for concern. Perhaps a lot of this was her own fault for never approaching the topic of conversation with him. It just felt like such an overtly personal thing to push on someone; she wasn't sure she'd ever been ready for it, because she wasn't sure how he'd handle it.
"I guess for me, it's like the total opposite." She admitted, frowning instinctively at the idea that she'd never actually said this to him. "If you don't, like, reach out or whatever, I don't really know what to do or think because that's all I want all the time." The polar opposite was glaring, and it surprised her that they lasted as long as they had without talking about it.
She drew attention to how vastly different they were and Luca wasn't sure if it was because it bothered her or if she was just pointing out facts. He knew how different they were, between their upbringings and how it affected their personalities. At the time when he'd starting falling for her, he pegged it as the whole opposites attract thing. It wasn't logical, but he hadn't been thinking logically when he started to care about her.
He took what she had to say to heart and tucked it away in his mind to remember. Luca thought he'd done better, reaching out for her, although he didn't know what the normal amount was or what the correct amount for her was. If it were up to him, he wouldn't let go. Not again. It made him feel clingy and desperate, but in a way he was.
He was desperate for her affection because he'd been starved of it for as long as he could remember after his mother died. "I wasn't very good at initiating contact," Luca stated flatly. He wished he was different, that he'd been able to reach out without hesitation in the hopes that it would have changed their outcome.
Callie watched him go through the motions after she'd spoken. She could tell that he'd taken it some kind of way, and she supposed the blame for that landed squarely on her shoulders. She'd never been the best at trying to explain herself. And though she was never the best at reading people, she could definitely see that he was thinking a lot about her own words.
"No, I don't mean that in a way that I'm getting down on you for it." It was nothing to feel bad about or apologise for. She was fast to act on that thought; "What I mean is that like, it took getting used to to know you weren't like that. You weren't like anyone I'd ever dated cause everyone else was super similar like that. But it's not bad that you were different. That you are different."
The problem was in the delivery, sure, but she wasn't the only person to tell him something like that. She was just the only one who didn't want him to feel bad for it. Unfortunately for her, it was a little too late because he'd always had a problem with his differences. He just didn't know how to change it necessarily. Even after half of his life dealing with his ability.
"Did you ever get used to it?" His eyes were trained on hers, searching for something that would either confirm or deny what he already thought. Callie was the only one to stick around for a significant chunk of time, but she was also the only one who was giving him the time of day as a friend after the fact.
Callie felt the nature of his eyes as they stuck to her. He was looking for something more than what her words could give, she was sure. All she really wanted to do was make him feel better, but at this point, she didn't think she could.
"It was more about getting used to knowing that I shouldn't feel... Unwanted?" She admitted, turning the response back on her own imperfections. "I'm like that with everyone. To the point of being a little clingy, honestly. I don't blame you for everything that happened. It wasn't cause you were the way you are, if that's what you've been thinking."
Was this the wrong conversation to have? There had never been closure for either party. Callie knew that, and while it was important to get that at some point, it wasn't something to push for. "She was just... Like, I really thought I loved her." She tried to explain, like those words could help anyone at this point.
Having her call him out on what he had been thinking wasn't much of a shock. The only surprise factor was that she'd said it to him out loud, confirming that she knew he blamed himself. Luca found it best to keep quiet and let her continue her thoughts, absorbing what he could without feeling the need to close off. It would have been easy to get up and walk away from the conversation, but they needed to have this talk. It'd been years and he was still holding onto something that likely wasn't even there to begin with, let alone lingering now.
It felt like a kick to the teeth hearing her talk about the girl. He didn't dare allow himself to remember what it was like finding out and he tried to ignore the sick feeling he got when she spoke about loving this girl. It was harder to hear than he'd expected because while she was telling him that she was clingy, he couldn't quite remember her being that way with him. Which led him to think that it had been that way with the girl instead. Luca stared at the table cloth as he processed what she said and he nodded.
After a moment he took a deep breath and laughed once, "Being in love with someone is an impossible and desperate feeling, isn't it?"
Callie lost his eyes, and she wasn't surprised by it. They'd never had an in depth conversation about the person that she put between them. They'd never really talked about it at all.Even if she couldn't catch his eyes, she knew she'd hurt him by even bringing it up. But that was the point of this whole thing, wasn't it? Clearing the air felt more important now than it ever had.
"Try being in love with two." She replied, the corner of her mouth tugging into a knowing frown. It had never been easy then, and it still wasn't an easy thought now.
Luca's eyes raised at her counter and he had to frown. It wasn't that he couldn't understand what she meant. In a way, he'd been in that position before, but his feelings for one had outweighed the feelings for the other. In his case, his feelings for her had outweighed the other, but in her case, he'd been the one that didn't have enough weight in her heart.
He sighed, "I'm not sure I ever want to. But I guess as the saying goes, 'if you're in love with two people, choose the second', right?" Which was what she'd done. Luc wasn't angry about it anymore, but that didn't mean it was easy to talk about. He just wanted to find a different topic of conversation now. While it may have needed to be aired out, he still felt uncomfortable talking about it.
It was important to note that Callie never searched for sympathy from him. Not from either of them. Her moves mightn't have been soaked in pride, but they were still her actions. She didn't regret them, because she couldn't possibly regret them. "I've never heard that saying before." She replied honestly. Still, she mulled it over in silence between them. Pressed lips pulled to the side in her contemplation, but she kept her eyes on him all the same. He looked uncomfortable, but there's no way anyone would be comfortable with this.
"It's not like I broke up with either of you. You both broke up with me." She added, but she wasn't pointing the finger at all. She shrugged her shoulders; "Which, y'know, is understandable. Not saying it wasn't. Just saying that for all the pressure, I never made a choice. Unless you count me not leaving you when she asked me to... A choice." Which she would, if she were here. Thankfully this would never be a community conversation, "Which would mean that... I did pick you."
He supposed it didn't matter either way if she knew the saying or not. He had and from it, he drew his own conclusions. It was easier to accept for him, thinking that she'd chose the other. She was of course correct, she hadn't broken up with him, although he didn't know the circumstances with the other. If he'd known, he might have acted on seeing her sooner. For her to say that she'd chosen him though, well, it gave him a false sense of hope.
Luca bit down on his lower lip, contemplating how he wanted to respond. With another sigh, he looked at her, "I only broke up with you because I didn't want you to have to choose." But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that it wasn't completely true. "Or rather, I did it out of self-preservation...I didn't want you to choose her over me. So I made it easier on both of us." Rejection was easier to swallow when he was ahead of it, if he'd been blind-sided thinking that she'd choose him and she didn't, his circumstances might still have ended up the same, but his attitude towards everything wouldn't have been.
"Running to Romania was a way to deal with it, I was being a coward because I thought that by breaking things off with you, you could be happier. I thought she'd make you happier. And I...I didn't honestly think you'd choose me."
