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An understatement. Somewhere in the back of her mind Teddy could hear Emmett telling her to get out while she could. The anxiety harboured by the paralegal who worked with her clearly ran far beyond what she could readily see. And there she herself sat, opposite personified confusion with a cool and naturally collected manner.
"You're not the first woman I've had feelings for." Teddy pointed out, nose crinkling a touch at the hint of a grin she wore. She could wear the joke too, edging the serious nature of the turn in conversation just as Olivia just had. Perhaps she deserved a more straight forward admission like that, considering Teddy had been clever to skirt exact words before, "I think I know what I'm feeling."
But she couldn't properly determine what this was. Who could at this point? "Though, if I'm being honest, you do make it feel a bit like high school." She laughed. She knew part of that landed on her and her own wording, but she couldn't help the observation.
It was most certainly weird hearing those words coming from a woman. And once again, the reassurance chipped away at the anxiety. Seeking validation from people often left a weird taste in Olivia's mouth but once in a while, she just needed it.
Olivia straightened up and knocked on the table. "That is exactly how I'm feeling. I know it's the stupidest thing. Like...I know people have different preferences and I'm fine with that but this just takes me back to the time when I had my first crush on a boy in grade school and it's confusing me right now." She admitted before shaking her head and sighing.
"I have way too many questions about this but I don't want to scare you off. But seriously...we have to go to work tomorrow and...well, isn't there a policy against having...inter-office relations?" She rolled her eyes at herself, wondering when the word vomit was going to stop.
Teddy had to be grateful she didn't take the assessment in a negative way. She settled into the understanding because in all honesty, it made sense. She couldn't think of how to better what was said, so she left it. Better to wait to see if that juvenile feeling settled.
Without a doubt, this had become the most business-like conversation she'd ever had about her feelings. Most people didn't ask, but that didn't mean they shouldn't. Teddy did her best to keep a light smile because this was all still a pretty good thing for her.
"You're not the first paralegal I've dated, either." Teddy pointed out then. They spent so much time together that something was often inevitable. "You've already got a target on your back. I don't see a point in making it worse." Nor did she really see a point in talking to her other colleagues about her personal feelings.
This really was becoming a lot like work, having to work out details like a business transaction. It was weird and unsettling how easy it was for her to get into that mind set. Knowing she wasn't Teddy's first inter office relationship both worried and relieved her, funnily enough but she remained quiet about it.
She nodded and leaned back against her chair, gently tugging at her hand from Teddy's. She didn't know how to make sure Teddy didn't think she was pulling away for any other reason besides the fact that she wanted to lean back so she settled for a gentle smile.
"So..." she propped her elbow up on her table with her chin rested on her hand as she looked at Teddy. "Where do we go from here?"
Easing her own hand back, Teddy's arms naturally crossed. Back in her seat she watched the person before her with clever eyes, just in case there was something worth catching. She knew this likely meant she'd have to give such a secret away, but she wasn't ready to just yet.
"That's not a question for me." Teddy replied, but she kept her tone light. It could have easily sounded like a denial or a dast rebuttal and she didn't want that. "That's on you, I think. It depends on what you want or... What you're looking for."
Concern flooded her eyes then as her teeth sunk into her lower lip. She was rarely one to give such a look. She hated delving into a more serious topic when she needed to be so collected; "I've done this before, too, Olivia. And there's nothing good about finding out a month in that the idea of me - the unattainable me - is better than... Me."
Though there were still some very unresolved mixed emotions running through Olivia, she couldn't help but take a minute to appreciate the woman sitting across from her. She looked so much softer with her hair down. It's going to be a lot more difficult to stop staring now that she knew Teddy liked her too.
She grimaced slightly when she was told that it was up to her what they were going to do next. She had barely had time to fully understand the fact that she was attracted to a woman but at the same time how scarily at ease she seemed to be with it.
When Teddy bit her lower lip, Olivia couldn't say she had ever seen the other woman look so vulnerable before. And the words accompanying it had Olivia grimacing slightly. She couldn't help drawing parallels of her own failures in her previous relationships. Was Teddy already pulling away?
It wasn't exactly a sign of a good relationship when the person you want to enter it with already sees the cracks. Even if it was self-depracating than anything else.
Olivia didn't know how to respond because whatever she wanted to say was going to sound like a promise that she might not be able to keep. She couldn't tell Teddy that she won't change her mind about how she felt because Teddy was still a hard woman to read. Olivia liked what she saw but the woman held back so much.
"Is it okay if we at least try to be more...open with each other? I don't mean you answering all my questions when I can think of any but...letting me in on things you otherwise wouldn't with other people. I can promise I will do the same for you if you want me to."
Truth be told, Teddy didn't expect a promise that couldn't be kept. It was a hard thing to ask for, which was why she didn't. Nice as it might have been, she wouldn't be able to hold a soul to that. Hell, she mightn't like the lawyer much if she got a glimpse of the kind of person who lived beneath the armour.
The negotiations took something of an interesting turn at the new request given. Teddy couldn't think of anything that had happened in her time her that she needed help with. But that didn't mean it wouldn't happen.
"To be fair, I feel like I do know a lot more about you than you do of me." She could compile an easy list that built to Olivia's character, if she needed to. She was the kind who seemed to wear her heart on her sleeve, regardless of if she meant to or not. "Questions are easier, I'll admit. Mainly because I don't know what to tell someone about myself when they ask me to just open up." And she figured that could be said of most people.
As she settled with her own words, the corner of her mouth threatened a smile. "My full name is Theodora Eden James. My father gave me the name because it means God given. Eden for light. That's what he thought of me. He always thought I was so important and uplifting." It was a description she hadn't given another person. At least, not in this country. It seemed like a perfect start. "Teddy doesn't feel so... Proper, or arrogant, or stuck up. That's why I like it."
Olivia couldn't help but laugh when Teddy admitted to knowing more about her than the other way around. That could actually be said about a lot of other people in her life. She was an easy woman to read.
She figured, if it was easier for Teddy to be asked questions, then Olivia would oblige. She'd never had any problems asking questions even though sometimes she asked the wrong ones. Now that she was given a different type of reign, she was going to take full advantage of it.
When Teddy spoke again, Olivia straightened up and a smile adorned her face at the fact she had shared. "You don't like that part of you much, huh." Olivia responded after a beat. "The very obviously English part of you I mean."
Giving a little could go a long way, Teddy figured, as the information passed her lips and hit the air between them. Touching base on anything to do with her father still carried its own broken sentiment, but she did her best not to make it so obvious. That was part of the problem, she knew.
"Not really, I guess." She offered quickly. "I mean, I'm grateful for the upbringing and the education and all that. Living in London for most of my life has actually ended up making everything quite sheltered. I don't like talking and having someone assume that I'm any of those things because I have a different accent."
Unfurling her arms, she briefly broke eye contact to glance out the nearby window before she tried to look back again; "That said; they're not all together wrong about me either. I came from money. My father was a prominent lawyer where I'm from, and a job at his firm was... Easy. I had to prove I was worthy but I got the chance to prove I was worthy. Most people don't get that." Not to say she wasn't grateful, but when she was younger it was definitely an expected shot.
Nodding at what she was offered, Olivia kind of understood where she was coming from. They obviously had very different backgrounds but Olivia understood why Teddy would want to keep that part of her separate.
The reprieve from eye contact made Olivia realise how much she actually liked it. Before, she couldn't look at Teddy properly because she was afraid she might spook the other woman. Or that Teddy could see things about her that she wasn't ready to share. Now, all she wanted to do was keep eye contact. It was a little surreal if she were being honest.
She smiled a bitter sweet smile when she realised that Teddy had been in somewhat of the same boat as her. Teddy had given her the chance to prove she was worthy too and she was definitely grateful for it.
How they got from one subject to another was beyond Teddy. It was better not to think about it and simply go with the flow of conversation. Olivia had inadvertently asked her to open up, and she felt she was doing as such in her own way.
"Absolutely." She replied without missing a beat. She tried her best not to get so caught up in the thought, but she'd never had an issue talking about him. "He was everything." Though she'd only spoken of him briefly, she knew the connection must have been obvious.
"He died last year. I took what he left me and used it to move here. Because everything about his practice reminded me of him, and it made working there impossible." She shrugged her shoulders at the fact; it sounded so simple when she said it out loud, but there was nothing easy about a choice like that.
Olivia had a good relationship with both her parents. So often she found people who didn't have that so finding someone who did was pretty nice. Family was everything to Olivia.
Her jaw slackened when she found out that Teddy's father had passed, making the move to Oregon seem necessary. They had both moved because of family, it seemed.
She reached out and placed her hand on Teddy's knee tentatively before removing it. "That must not have been easy. And your mother and brother, how did they react to you moving?"
Briefly, Teddy smiled at her. It was so like her to consider how the other members of her family would feel about her moving. She hadn't flinched at all at the hand that dared to touch against her knee, short as the connection ended up bring.
"She..." Teddy started, pausing for a second or so to gather the best words, "She died a few years ago, actually. Now, it's just Alex and I."
And here she was, in another country while he worked wonders at St. Bethany. "He was understanding about the move, though. Obviously I miss him like crazy, but he's happy where he is and I'm happy to be here. I talk to him almost every day." Though the topics were heavy, Teddy didn't speak of them as such. It was sad that her mother was gone and her brother lived in London, but she was at peace with it in some way.
"Jesus." Olivia breathed. "I'm really sorry." She never knew what to say to people who have lost loved ones. Especially in this context, she didn't know whether it was okay to hug her or not. Teddy did seem very put-together still. She seemed to have accepted the fact.
"I'm glad you still have someone who knows what you went through." She offered, not knowing what else to say to that.
She took a sip from her mug and pursed her lips as she thought of something else to say to move on from the topic. "I have to ask though...I hope I don't sound insensitive but...how long have you known you were gay?" She asked. That question had definitely been burning in her mind and she figured now was as good a time as any. It might not have been the best time, considering she had just told Olivia that she was an orphan. But when, really, was a good time?
Sympathy, however given, wasn't something Teddy refused from anyone. Perhaps the insight to her family life gave reason for the way she acted from time to time. If nothing else, it was just nice to talk about it at all. She couldn't remember the last time she'd uttered a word about her mother.
But the next question was actually a good one. In any other moment, Teddy would have commended her for it. She exhaled an audible sigh that faltered to a laugh.
"Always, I think." She knew that wouldn't help Olivia in the slightest, but she also knew this was a moment to give a little more than a couple of words. "Boys have never interested me at all. I've always liked girls. To me, they're just... So much more. It's just a completely different connection." It was the best way to break it down to someone who seemed so blatantly unsure. Though most others would hold it against her, Teddy endeavoured to not look at it that way.
Thinking again, she straightened up in her chair, like she'd found a better means to explain it all. "Like, I see you in the morning and I know the reason why you're looking at me the way you're looking at me. I don't have to ask you why like a man probably would; I just know. Because I give that look, too."
