|
|
|
|
There was a lot to take away from what Olivia was saying. She was opening up in a unique way; pushed by the circumstances she had chosen to create between them. At least she'd found a way through whatever it was that was holding her back.
With another apology, Teddy exhaled a small laugh. Apologising for apologising could go on forever if she let it. She didn't know how she planned on rectifying whatever it was that was wrong, but at least she was working on herself.
"If you knew this was what you wanted, why did you wait so long?" She asked then. That was potentially the most important question of all.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
206 Words
|
i'm driving fast now
don't think i know how to go slow
The laughter from Teddy was reciprocated with a small sheepish chuckle from Olivia. She was glad Teddy found humour in any of this because Olivia was starting to feel sorry for herself. It did seem to physically relieve Olivia from her previous strain, which was a good thing.
Teddy's question was another heavy hitter that Olivia hadn't wanted to answer but she did believe Teddy deserved to know. "I was embarrassed." She admitted. "And truthfully, I only just managed to simplify my thought process recently. And I wanted to be in full control of myself and my narrative before I went to you. I didn't want to second guess myself, and you because that's unfair to both of us."
She turned to Teddy and looked up again to face her. "The insecurity isn't going to go away, I can't promise to miraculously be self confident overnight but I want you. And I know that if that's going to happen, I'm not going to let my insecurities get in the way."
Olivia knew it wasn't going to be easy to get rid of that small voice in her head. She didn't expect it to be. She just needed another way to vent and get a different perspective.
our road is long
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Nothing about this conversation was ever going to be easy, but the clarity provided by Olivia's answers definitely helped. To settle anything it had to be completely understood. Her reasoning was sound. It was logical and it made sense and it absolutely spoke volumes about who Teddy knew she was. But on a personal level, it was a long time. Spending every day talking to her like nothing had ever happened certainly didn't make it any easier
Catching her eyes finally seemed to flare her attention completely. "I don't expect you to change." Teddy pointed out. Something as small as seeing a person couldn't ever call for a personality change. It would be harsh for her to expect it, let alone want it in the first place. "And I believe you."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
131 Words
|
i'm driving fast now
don't think i know how to go slow
Teddy's words were encouraging and Olivia visibly relaxed. The lawyer may not expect her to change but Olivia realised she needed to. If not for Teddy, for herself. She had been so consumed in her anxieties and insecurities that it governed her every move without her even knowing it. She wished it was as easy as switching off lights but she knew there was a long road ahead of her.
"Thank you." She responded before gingerly patting Teddy's hand. Although she was still a little hesitant initiating any physical contact, she wanted Teddy to know that she wasn't going anywhere.
"Oh God...I wasn't interrupting anything was I?" She asked, her eyes raising to meet the lawyer's. Teddy was far too polite to kick her out, Olivia knew that at least.
our road is long
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A small point of contact was provided with a hand against he own. It might have been little, but it was better than nothing. She had to smile for it regardless.
"No, it's fine. No plans." Teddy admitted, "At least, none that I know of." She did have a penchant for gathering a guest without warning, and that was often how most of her nights went; "Emmett all but lives here for half the week, so really, she could turn up any second." It was the positive and negative of having a best friend so involved in her life, but she rarely saw it as the latter. She even laughed about the very real thought.
Easing her mind back to the general topic at hand, she offered a sympathetic look. "I wish I could help you more. I wish I even remotely understood what you're going through, but I've always just... Known. Sexuality has never been a question for me." Given how Olivia seemed to handle it all, she had to be grateful for the lack of personal confusion.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
304 Words
|
i'm driving fast now
don't think i know how to go slow
The mention of Emmett made Olivia chuckle lightly. The blonde had pretty much forced her way into Teddy's life and had become a permanent fixture now, apparently. The thought of her barging in while Olivia was cosying up to the lawyer made her shiver slightly. Emmett had been the one who called Olivia's feelings out, she didn't need the woman giving her an "I told you so" even if it wasn't verbal.
Her smile softened when Teddy offered her sympathy. Heterosexuality had been easy for Olivia because that's what she had grown up with and that was what was normal to her. Bisexuality, however, was a whole other dimension that she just couldn't quite grasp. And as far as she knew, she was the only one she knew who felt that way. She felt isolated but every day, she accepted the normality of being attracted to both genders. It was just the isolation that she couldn't quite handle.
"Thank you. That's great for you, always knowing. And I mean...I shouldn't really be so shocked, I guess? I've always known sexuality is fluid, it just never occurred to me that mine would ever change." She shrugged. "I don't regret it. I'm not regretting anything. I'm just seeing differences in so many interactions we've had and what I had with my exes. Apart from the obvious."
Just as she said it, she regretted it because they hadn't ever spoken about that part of dating. "Not that we've ever..." Olivia stopped herself before she could say anything more embarrassing. But it was just hitting her then that they had never done anything apart from kissing. And even then, by any standard, they have been quite chaste.
She chuckled and ran her fingers through her hair. "I'm not trying to imply anything." She said for good measure.
our road is long
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
It felt like a conundrum, to understand the potential fluidity of sexuality and never expect it at the same time. That was perhaps the most interesting thing about what Olivia said. It felt so foreign and confusing to the overtly sure Teddy who was growing more and more sure of how lucky she was. Not that she believed in luck.
The narrative was a little difficult to follow. Broken sentences meant she had to fill in the blanks on her own, and it wasn't easy. Lips pressed together at the little notion of herself and how it turned to the subject of Olivia again.
"Did it really change? I feel like that's a rigid way to think about it. It sounds more like you just... Didn't know." She tried to explain. Believing something so basic could ever change seemed like a grave misunderstanding she felt she had to help correct.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
119 Words
|
i'm driving fast now
don't think i know how to go slow
Teddy's question didn't actually occur to Olivia before this and when put in that context, it actually did make sense. "Maybe?" Olivia offered, tilting her head slightly to the side as she contemplated the notion. "I guess when you put it that way, it does feel like a revelation. A good one, I might add."
It gave Olivia a sense of relief too, seeing it in a different perspective. It must sound like a no-brainer to Teddy but Olivia had to actually think about it before accepting it as fact.
"How did you come to accept it? I just remember being shoved into heteronormativity since birth while just thinking girls were cute but never really doing anything about it."
our road is long
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Harsh language choices were Olivia's forte when it came to speaking about sexuality as a whole. It wasn't the first time she'd chosen an eccentric way to phrase something, and it wasn't the first time Teddy had felt effected by it. It never felt like a choice. The idea felt hollow. "I never had to come to accept it. I guess that's the difference." She replied deftly, permanent grace in her fixtures at the choice phrase being handed back.
Considering how to act then involved poise. No pressure, all finesse. "I think you're thinking about this very analytically." She was probably bound to on some level, given her profession. "You tell me; in regards to how it all feels, what's the difference between dating a woman and dating a man?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
176 Words
|
i'm driving fast now
don't think i know how to go slow
The phrasing in Teddy's words struck Olivia as a hint to how Teddy felt about what they were talking about. She didn't quite realise how callous she had actually sounded. But it also shed some light about the difference between them. As easy as it was for Olivia to know she had been straight, it was easy for Teddy to know she was gay.
Olivia began to fiddle with her scarf again as she thought of Teddy's question. She hadn't felt any different emotionally. Just as much as she had felt comfortable, attended to and filled with love to give when she was with her exes, it was the same with how she was with Teddy. Nothing was actually different.
And she told Teddy exactly that. "Although I'm still trying to get used to initiating things with you. I never really minded when someone took charge so with you, it's more about exploring my own take charge ways. Which...I'm finding out isn't exactly my style." She scratched the back of her head out of embarrassment.
our road is long
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Every question was there to try and help Olivia come to terms with what was going on. Perspective was always the trick; trying to understand from a point of view that was a little different worked wonders to make sense of the potentially illogical. Though she had never experienced it firsthand, Teddy knew a scaled amount of differences were in the obvious physicality. Coming to terms with that might have been the hardest thing for most.
Embarrassment stood out in her features. Just a little. Enough for someone with pristine eye sight to catch without any fail.
"I don't think that's a matter of gender specifics. That's a person." What someone was looking for in a person could line up perfectly or it couldn't. She tried a reassuring smile for good measure, her voice consistently delicate for the fragility of this entire conversation. "You want to be led. That's not a bad thing." It was important for her to understand that, at least, given the embarrassing way she seemed to feel about the fact. "If you know that about yourself already, that's half the battle. The other half is finding someone - anyone - who fits that."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
102 Words
|
i'm driving fast now
don't think i know how to go slow
Olivia looked to Teddy and smiled at her remark. "I figured." She shrugged. She knew there really wasn't anything gender specific when it came to dating. Hell, anything really.
She nodded at Teddy's assessment and she looked down at her scarf, her thumb running back and forth over a line.
"You don't happen to fit that, do you?" She asked with a semi-embarrassed but still teasing tone. As fragile as the conversation was, Olivia was done with the seriousness of it. Dating was supposed to be fun but all she'd done thus far was make it complicated. For herself and for Teddy.
our road is long
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
If nothing else, it was nice to see Olivia start to understand the lack of a great difference between gender. It felt like breaking down a big issue to find the crux of it all; trying to determine what it was she wanted out of a person, regardless of their gender. That was good. If she accepted it, it was a huge step to take.
Reaching out, she took hold of her hand as it moved across the material of her scarf. Fingers curled around it, offering a little squeeze for good measure.
"One of the things I love most about women is the equal exchange. There's no predisposed idea of who has power and who doesn't. It's mutual." She held her own gender in incredibly high regard, and knew to some extent that her past relationships all followed a kind of pattern. She felt the corner of her mouth pull for the threat of a small smile that wasn't quite ready to come to fruition; "I don’t want to be the boss in my relationship; I want a partnership."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
145 Words
|
i'm driving fast now
don't think i know how to go slow
Dark eyes flitted down to the hand that took hers and she gave a soft smile at the image. She turned her palm up and took comfort in the squeeze from her counterpart. Olivia listened to Teddy and nodded along.
It was hard for Olivia to throw away her inhibitions and not feel presumptuous about any of her actions but she did want to do a lot more than hold Teddy's hand.
And so, she leaned in closer to Teddy and pressed her lips against her cheek. "I'll try to work on that." She stated. She did want to. She felt she had to. Sooner or later. She would just rather do it sooner.
"And now I gotta figure out what to tell my family. How do I even start." She shook her head and laughed to herself. "There aren't any Hallmark cards are there?"
our road is long
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A small point of contact against her cheek seemed to be something Teddy was content with. It was nice by any means to see Olivia try to breach the comfort zone she'd lived in for so many years. She felt she had something to work on, and that was good for her.
Then she bordered on another topic entirely; one circled around herself and arguably important to someone who clearly had an in-depth need for a big family and its unconditional love. Teddy had to laugh at the idea of being able to write it all down and just hand it over or send it off. If only it were that easy.
"How do you think they'll take it?" She had to ask. It was the safest place to land when the topic emerged.
|
|
|
|
|
