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Controlling her own heart was absolutely impossible at this point. Ella could feel it heavy and she knew he wouldn't lose track of it. She even knew trying to control it would flag his attention, like she wanted to send a different message. No, James Lawrence deserved every honest part of her at this point, because he was giving up so much and she hadn't expected it at all.
He was so sure; his heartbeat, rapid. Perhaps that wasn't anxiety he was expressing, but a kind of differed joy. Maybe he was happy. Ecstatic. Heartbeats altered themselves so effectively for many different reasons. His words said he wasn't scared in the slightest.
Dropping her jaw, she stalled briefly in a blank stare. Then her smile overcame her senses; her mouth, her eyes = they all depicted a particular kind of happiness.
An opinion was thrown out there, and Ella then felt the shift in the rhythm of his heart. It carried a signal to some degree, and while she couldn't pin point the reason, she knew before he spoke that he was considering something.
It followed with a deep agreement to her words, like it resonated with him on a new level. As he continued, she very nearly tripped in her steps, forcing to a halt and ignoring the trajectory they were on. Evidently, they couldn't make it home without a series of revelations.
Her heart rate was spiked into her ears at this point, and even she couldn't control it.
There was another mutual factor in play here now. Ella then had to wonder if he had ever gotten any indication that she was in a similar situation; did he know she thought about the next steps as well? Was it really something to feel awkward about bringing up? It couldn't get any worse than a half exchange of love.
"It's logical, right? People don't just stop after they choose to move in together." Sure, there probably people who were, but that couldn't be the end of it. At least he knew that it wasn't what she wanted to do, "That's not what I want, anyway. I think if things are good and solid and perfect then why not lock it all together by getting married?"
It was hard to even try to explain how Ella felt about the prospect of their future. She never wanted to push him because she never wanted to be pushed herself. Hypocrisy wasn't something she ever wanted to deserve to be accused of; scared as he potentially could be, she knew he could be just as bad. At least, she was sure they were on the same level.
It wasn't like she expected him to drop down on one knee right then and there, that was for sure. Well, she was pretty sure that wasn't what she wanted.
"Yeah, definitely. It's good." She replied, snapping herself out of her daze quickly; "I didn't know you thought about any of this at all, so."
Ella knew that James was just as flighty as she was when it came to the idea of long lasting relationships. Before she met him a second time, they were horrifying to her. Dedicating to another person was scary, because people were those flight risks.
He seemed comforted by her perspective, which was why she gave the version he took on. At least they both agreed there was no pressure to do anything to a set timeline. She didn't expect the conversation to keep going, but she didn't want to discourage his decision to talk about it. He deserved everything from her.
"I mean..." She started awkwardly. Trying to recover was key, but she wasn't the best at it, "Someday, sure. But not because to think it's what I need. That's a mutual thing."
Ella hadn't even tried to approach the subject of their holidays with him. Not completely. He was right; his heart had told her everything she needed to know, so there was no point in getting him to try and explain himself. She didn't want to have to explain herself, either.
No right answer? He was completely right. Especially when it came to having a heavy conversation like that with a third party who clearly wouldn't be on his side if he was against her. "No no, it's fine." She replied. Obviously he had to get something off his chest, and he had every right to do so.
"I don't think there can be a set timeline. Everyone's situation is totally different. Same with what they want, or think they need." If it were true, they'd be getting married within a month. "I don't need a ring from you to know you're not going anywhere." The first part wasn't a lie, but the latter of which was something she always struggled with. She could never be sure that he wasn't going to leave her, but those insecurities ran painfully deep.
James looked relieved, and Ella was happy for that. The last thing she wanted to do was drag him through a worse emotional mess. She hadn't reacted well to his admission, and he had every right to be unsure as to how she would handle the rest of the topics available to them. It was better to leave it.
"I would try my best. Besides, it felt like you got enough of a grilling over the holidays." Her mother wasn't always known for carrying the most tact during a pressing conversation. She adored James and wanted to forcibly envelop him in the family as quickly as she could.
Looking at him, Ella had to be thankful he didn't want to pursue what she meant by what she'd said. It was a massive thing to unpack, and the middle of their place of work definitely wasn't the best place for it.
He turned it back on her and she shook her head instantly. Sure, things were bound to be a little awkward at the moment. Either they could make it worse and not have to bring it up again, or they could cut ties with it and find the right moment to talk about it. When she thought about it like that, neither seemed appealing.
She pulled him along as she started walking again. "And risk you having a heart attack? I don't think it's worth it."
Being honest now was probably the best course of action, even if Ella was pointedly avoiding a set of words she worried would sound cheap coming out of her mouth. She felt the hitch in his heart at the little mention of what generally followed the prospect of love. She absolutely wanted to marry him and though it was terrifying, she'd thought of children before. But she wasn't about to say that out loud.
"Okay. That's good." She replied finally, nodding her head, settled as it was in his hand. "So... We don't need to talk about it?"
Where Ella felt like she was losing her grip, James acted lie the perfect individual. It was the kind of amazing quality that made her want to inform him of her feelings in the first place. He was doing his best to try to calm her down, which did nothing for the unkept rhythm of his own heart. Blood coursed a certain way and she knew he was fighting a headache from the pattern.
"This is what I want, y'know." She pointed out then. If nothing else, he needed to know she wasn't upset of annoyed or confused about this. "This and you and the long haul." And, of course, everything that coincided with it. But she didn't need to say those things out loud, did she?
Ella could tell that on some level he was freaking out. It was completely understandable; between them, natural steps of progression were unnatural. He was talking like he was the most patient man in the world, and for Ella, that was something she definitely didn't deserve.
There were no fairy tail moment here, and the first words of love wasn't going to change that dynamic.
"I know that you're meant to say it back when someone says that and I can't say it now." Quickly, she had to interject on herself, because that sounded awful; "Not because I don't-" She exhaled a harsh sigh, "I like, missed the window. And now it's just gonna sound like I'm saying it because I think I have to."
Ella knew on some level that she seemed panicked. Those words carried a heavy weight. That weight also opened doors to every future possibility he'd already been grilled about by her mother. It was easy to feel bad about her response. It wasn't exactly how most girls responded when someone they were with was so genuine and open.
Despite how little his second explanation was, it was actually perfect. Somehow he had the capacity to transition from an awkward moment to something with great substance.
"I'm being such a bitch, I'm so sorry." She said then, taking hold of his hand for some kind of reassurance. "I'm not doubting you."
Ella knew she had to get the jump on this. Standing there in the middle of their place of work was absolutely not the best time to have this discussion. Though his words were muffled by her hand, she still managed to understand them. She wasn't sure which of the options was supposed to be the right one. Maybe it was both.
"I don't know." She replied honestly. She then felt acutely aware of their surroundings. "Did you just decide to say this out of the blue or..?" She asked.
And it was a second or so later before she barely eased her hand away.
The step he took that she didn't forced distance between them, if only a little. Ella used that momentum to hopefully catch the look in his eyes. He had to be grinning, right? He was joking like he used to when they were younger.
But he was blushing. Ella could feel how the blood rushed to his face before she actually saw it. He said it again and even he couldn't sell it like it wasn't a big deal.
"Um." She offered the short sound instinctively. She didn't know what to say either, and that must have been incredibly obvious at this point. "Why?" There was very little about herself that she seemed loveable.
Instantly after the word left her mouth, she raised a hand to cover his lips to stop the potential response. "No. I don't want to know."
When she felt him let go, Ella didn't think much of the fact, especially when he swept her closer with an arm instead. Any distance between them was completely eradicated. He was awfully good at easing her troubles away; sure, it was self deprecating to wonder why he bothered with her, but didn't everyone feel that way when faced with someone so perfect?
Reassurance came with an entirely new admission. Sure, Ella had been pretty sure James had strong feelings for her, but she also knew he wasn't the type to talk about his feelings all that much. His heart kicked into high gear with the revelation catching him seconds after his words struck the air.
She stopped instantly, staring back at him. "What?"
