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In this moment, James almost wished he had a telepathic ability. To be inside Ella's head, to know her thoughts, even for one minute, was what he wanted most. But to know through the sound of an out of control heart; to be as open and vulnerable despite knowing that she could at least try and manage her heart. Neither of them could read minds, but the unique rhythm of Ella's heart was a sound he could never forget.
Although the time between his question and Ella's answer was not long at all, the wait felt like an eternity. James' eyes remained fixed on her features, to the initial shock and undeniable happiness. She was glowing and the sight of her caused his own expression to light up in pure joy. It was overwhelming, but not in the anxious way he was used to. One simple word was the only reply required.
A hand moved to her cheek, fingertips running along her jaw to cup her chin. Leaning in, he brushed his lips against hers once, then twice. It was the only reaction James could give, until he remembered that there was no ring.
"To be honest, I don't have a ring yet. But there will be one soon."
The connection between James' heart rate and his deep thoughts gave indication of the idea slowly formulating in his mind. There was no preplanning; it was pure impulse off of a feeling. Only confirmed with Ella's own thoughts on marriage. He soon realized that his increased heart rate was not entirely out of fear, but excitement. The moment was a whole new revelation for James, and he couldn't help but to wonder why he didn't do it sooner.
Ella's stall forced James to stop a step later. At this rate, they wouldn't make it home before sun down. Love, marriage; what else could come up on the long walk home?
Suddenly, the loudest sound on the street was the sound of Ella's heart. It even drowned out the sound of his own. The sound filled James' ears and he couldn't help wincing at the sudden headache that coincided with a singular pulse. Composure was hard to maintain.
"Yes," James answered with a pause. Maybe it wasn't as straight forward as it ought to have been. "Ella, I'm asking you if you will marry me."
Nodding in agreement, James didn't add anything to Ella's first point. It was the logical next step in the relationship. Moving in together wasn't the final stages, the end game. There had to be something greater. Before, James might have worried about that stage but his only anxiety was over the how. How to discuss it, rather than marriage itself.
Hearing Ella's affirmation of what she wanted out of their relationship eased his inner tension. An alleviated heart rate started beating faster; not out of fear, or maybe it was. James couldn't quite place the sensation in his chest. By the sounds of it, Ella was suggesting marriage right here and right now. "You're right." James began, running his free hand along his jaw. "I mean, personally, I feel like we're solid and perfect." Maybe not perfect in the objective sense, but for them. And that's what truly mattered.
"So, we should get married." Was it a proposal? Definitely not in the traditional sense; James didn't have a ring as of yet. Or any planned heartfelt words, but maybe it was better this way. "I can't imagine a future that doesn't include us together. Marriage has to come at some point so why not now?"
Someday was less overwhelming. Not that James was expecting to have an answer by the end of there conversation today. It was inevitable, though. At least Ella hadn't admitted that it was a need, because he wasn't sure how to follow up with the statement. He tried not to dwell on it for too long, as the conversation moved on.
Giving her hand a gentle squeeze, James looked over after Ella's reply. He let out an amused breath, a hint of laughter at her last statement. "Of course I think about this stuff. I just never know how to bring it up." He admitted. Because he knew better than to try and lie to her. "You know, timing and whatnot."
"I'm just relived you have given it some thought as well." Maybe it meant that he could try and bring it up again someday. Once James was better prepared and at least had some sort of idea what to say.
James waited to hear Ella's response all the way through before he even thought about answering. Nodding, he sensed the awkward undertones that lined her voice. Understandable, given how direct his previous statement had been. "Someday." James repeated. Somehow, the prospect seemed a little less terrifying. It was an equal acknowledgement that it was part of the future, not necessarily the immediate future. But someday.
Her clarification eased his conscious. She was right; it had to be a mutual thing. There was no other way to go about it. "Gotcha." James finally replied, after some thought. Not anything too introspective.
"You know, I'm glad this conversation came up." All of it.
Although that part of the holidays had been awkward, James understood where Ella's mother was coming from. Had they been at his parents' place, he was positive a similar conversation was inevitable. Most of all, he appreciated just how understanding Ella was. No explanation was necessary because she picked up on all the important details. There was no need to try; he was awful at the whole notion of love and everything.
Except now, maybe. He was trying.
She offered greater insight to the anxiety over time and pressure; it was perfect. Perfectly reassuring. James nodded in agreement with her statement. Of course, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Ella. That wasn't even a thought that took consideration. For some reason, the introduction of marriage made the whole ordeal complicated and hard to discuss.
At least they both were on the same page; there was nowhere else, no-one else. They had each other. "And I know there is no pressure to follow those steps." Really, there was nothing wrong with the current life James had with Ella from his perspective "You might not need a ring, but you might want a ring." James concluded, daring to glance over at her reaction at the distinction.
Ella's mention of the holidays with her mother brought forward conversations they had shared. The subject was, of course, marriage and children, and all of the important stages in a relationship. To say the conversation was overwhelming was an understatement; as much as James liked Ella's mother, it had been taxing on himself and Ella. Presumably given how erratic his heart rate had been for the discussion.
"Yeah... that wasn't enjoyable." He admitted. "Don't get me wrong, your mother's great it's just...." James trailed off, searching momentarily for the right word to say. "It feels like there's not a right answer." Or maybe there was and he just didn't know the perfect combination.
"Because honestly, who's to say when everything is supposed to happen, right? Is there a deadline you're supposed to follow, like marriage by twenty eight and children by thirty in order to succeed and live a good life? That's a lot of pressure." James found himself rambling with a frown, still on the subject matter even though they had decided it was best to drop it. "I'm sorry, we said we were done."
Pushing off the conversation for another time at least gave James and Ella the opportunity to better prepare for the inevitable, if time could even help such a serious conversation. Relief visibly washed over his expression as she shook her head in response, even exhaling quietly under his breath. Even if the right moment was a year away, that was okay. At this point, not talking about it ever again almost seemed ideal.
Following Ella's lead, James continued walking alongside her. Nudging her arm, he let out a small, amused laugh. "Well, I'd like to tell myself you could somehow prevent a heart attack from happening. If not.... not worth the risk."
A small laugh escaped James' lips at her next question. It wasn't out of humour, but considering all they had been through on their short walk from the school, he thought that they had been exhausted enough. "No, I think we've been through enough today." He said with a gentle smile. Even the headache that threatened James earlier was beginning to ease.
"Unless you want to." Knowing Ella, he was hoping that the conversation would be put off until later. James didn't know if he could handle the discussion of marriage and children after everything. If the words could even be spoken out loud. "I'm leaning towards another time."
After seeing Ella's reaction, James' mind shifted from focusing on what had been said to how to calm her down. He didn't know what to say, or even where to begin, in order to alleviate the situation. He could act calm and collected, but underneath the surface they both knew that was a lie. It was amazing how one out of tune heart could have such an affect on the pair. Breathing exercises had worked before, but he wondered if that was worth a shot. The circumstances between then and now were similar, only he was directly involved this time around.
Continuing on, James nodded. He knew. Even Ella's acknowledgement did wonders to ease his anxiety about the topic. Then she mentioned the long haul, he felt yet another stall in his heart rate. The wording was vague, but they both knew what she was referring to.
Although physical contact had the tendency to be overwhelming, James moved a hand to cup Ella's face, running his thumb along her cheek. "I know." He finally replied, because he didn't know what else to say.
Keeping quiet, James didn't say anything until Ella finished. What she was saying made sense; the last thing he wanted was to force her into saying it back. There was less meaning in reciprocation just for the sake of it. He ran his thumb along the side of her hand in a circular motion before settling again. "Don't be so hard on yourself," He started, which was easier said than done.
"I mean, I understand. Completely. I don't doubt your feelings for me either and words aren't gonna change that." Eyes met hers again. "There's no pressure to say it, not now and not ever. I don't want you to feel like you have to." He would rather it come at a later time, not following a heightened moment.
James was aware of the impact that saying those three words out loud had. What it meant for them not only now, but of possibilities in the future. The natural progression of a relationship. Step one was saying 'I love you', and then moving up from there. Panic was understandable.
Did he feel bad about her response? Of course; but really, what response did he expect? They weren't exactly an ordinary pair.
Instinctively, James frowned. "No, no, you're not being a bitch. Your reaction is understandable." Had the roles been reversed, his reaction might have been similar. Giving her hand a squeeze, he hoped to provide some comfort. So that Ella would know he did not intend to cause any unease through his words. "It's a lot."
A small smile returned to his face. "Though, I'm glad you believe me." That was something to hold onto.
The thought crossed his mind to suggest that they return home to their apartment before continuing the conversation. At least they were the only ones around; James couldn't hear any other voices around the offices. Ella's next question took some thought, because James wasn't sure if he even had an answer. He watched the movement of her hand as he considered what to say. What answer could possibly alleviate the conversation.
"I don't think decision is the right word. It definitely wasn't planned." James admitted, "It just... is. The way I feel about you" Did that even make sense? The words felt as accelerated as the rhythm of his heart.
It feels... right." James finished, despite the tangible awkwardness that filled the air around them. "
For a moment, he considered playing it off like it was no big deal. But when she knew the exact details of his circulatory system, it made it impossible. Plus, they had been discussing it only minutes before. It left James with one option even if the other one was preferable.
James felt the beginnings of a migraine, a dull pain behind his temples. A side effect common for someone with perfect hearing. He exhaled after Ella spoke, followed by silence. Not perfectly so, given the current state of his heart. Deep breaths attempted to settle the tempo.
Then, Ella asked a question; why? His eyebrows narrowed at the confusion. It was a simple, yet vague question to ask. Did she expect a response? Or was it her self deprecating nature. James assumed the latter but didn't get a chance to speak when her hand covered his mouth. Eyes widened with a slight tilt of his head. "You don't want to know or this isn't the time and place?" He tried, but his speech was muffled by her palm.
An increased heart rate gave away his inner nerves once the realization struck James. The shift in tempo was rapid, yet consistent. His arm around her tightened unconsciously, as if to maintain grip on the situation. His free hand moved to the pack of cigarettes in his pocket, fingertips running along the corners. Another dead giveaway at his anxiety over what just happened. What was he thinking? But that was the problem; he wasn't. It just was.
Ella stopped and he did a step later, feeling her eyes on him. Daringly, James made eye contact and opened his mouth to speak. Instead, warmth flushed his features and the sound of his own heart overwhelmed his senses. So loud; overwhelmingly so.
"I love you." He managed to repeat after a few beats. Why was it so nerve-wracking to say it out loud? In a word, Ella was everything for James. "I don't really know what else to say."
