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Keeping quiet, James didn't say anything until Ella finished. What she was saying made sense; the last thing he wanted was to force her into saying it back. There was less meaning in reciprocation just for the sake of it. He ran his thumb along the side of her hand in a circular motion before settling again. "Don't be so hard on yourself," He started, which was easier said than done.
"I mean, I understand. Completely. I don't doubt your feelings for me either and words aren't gonna change that." Eyes met hers again. "There's no pressure to say it, not now and not ever. I don't want you to feel like you have to." He would rather it come at a later time, not following a heightened moment.
Where Ella felt like she was losing her grip, James acted lie the perfect individual. It was the kind of amazing quality that made her want to inform him of her feelings in the first place. He was doing his best to try to calm her down, which did nothing for the unkept rhythm of his own heart. Blood coursed a certain way and she knew he was fighting a headache from the pattern.
"This is what I want, y'know." She pointed out then. If nothing else, he needed to know she wasn't upset of annoyed or confused about this. "This and you and the long haul." And, of course, everything that coincided with it. But she didn't need to say those things out loud, did she?
After seeing Ella's reaction, James' mind shifted from focusing on what had been said to how to calm her down. He didn't know what to say, or even where to begin, in order to alleviate the situation. He could act calm and collected, but underneath the surface they both knew that was a lie. It was amazing how one out of tune heart could have such an affect on the pair. Breathing exercises had worked before, but he wondered if that was worth a shot. The circumstances between then and now were similar, only he was directly involved this time around.
Continuing on, James nodded. He knew. Even Ella's acknowledgement did wonders to ease his anxiety about the topic. Then she mentioned the long haul, he felt yet another stall in his heart rate. The wording was vague, but they both knew what she was referring to.
Although physical contact had the tendency to be overwhelming, James moved a hand to cup Ella's face, running his thumb along her cheek. "I know." He finally replied, because he didn't know what else to say.
Being honest now was probably the best course of action, even if Ella was pointedly avoiding a set of words she worried would sound cheap coming out of her mouth. She felt the hitch in his heart at the little mention of what generally followed the prospect of love. She absolutely wanted to marry him and though it was terrifying, she'd thought of children before. But she wasn't about to say that out loud.
"Okay. That's good." She replied finally, nodding her head, settled as it was in his hand. "So... We don't need to talk about it?"
A small laugh escaped James' lips at her next question. It wasn't out of humour, but considering all they had been through on their short walk from the school, he thought that they had been exhausted enough. "No, I think we've been through enough today." He said with a gentle smile. Even the headache that threatened James earlier was beginning to ease.
"Unless you want to." Knowing Ella, he was hoping that the conversation would be put off until later. James didn't know if he could handle the discussion of marriage and children after everything. If the words could even be spoken out loud. "I'm leaning towards another time."
Looking at him, Ella had to be thankful he didn't want to pursue what she meant by what she'd said. It was a massive thing to unpack, and the middle of their place of work definitely wasn't the best place for it.
He turned it back on her and she shook her head instantly. Sure, things were bound to be a little awkward at the moment. Either they could make it worse and not have to bring it up again, or they could cut ties with it and find the right moment to talk about it. When she thought about it like that, neither seemed appealing.
She pulled him along as she started walking again. "And risk you having a heart attack? I don't think it's worth it."
Pushing off the conversation for another time at least gave James and Ella the opportunity to better prepare for the inevitable, if time could even help such a serious conversation. Relief visibly washed over his expression as she shook her head in response, even exhaling quietly under his breath. Even if the right moment was a year away, that was okay. At this point, not talking about it ever again almost seemed ideal.
Following Ella's lead, James continued walking alongside her. Nudging her arm, he let out a small, amused laugh. "Well, I'd like to tell myself you could somehow prevent a heart attack from happening. If not.... not worth the risk."
James looked relieved, and Ella was happy for that. The last thing she wanted to do was drag him through a worse emotional mess. She hadn't reacted well to his admission, and he had every right to be unsure as to how she would handle the rest of the topics available to them. It was better to leave it.
"I would try my best. Besides, it felt like you got enough of a grilling over the holidays." Her mother wasn't always known for carrying the most tact during a pressing conversation. She adored James and wanted to forcibly envelop him in the family as quickly as she could.
Ella's mention of the holidays with her mother brought forward conversations they had shared. The subject was, of course, marriage and children, and all of the important stages in a relationship. To say the conversation was overwhelming was an understatement; as much as James liked Ella's mother, it had been taxing on himself and Ella. Presumably given how erratic his heart rate had been for the discussion.
"Yeah... that wasn't enjoyable." He admitted. "Don't get me wrong, your mother's great it's just...." James trailed off, searching momentarily for the right word to say. "It feels like there's not a right answer." Or maybe there was and he just didn't know the perfect combination.
"Because honestly, who's to say when everything is supposed to happen, right? Is there a deadline you're supposed to follow, like marriage by twenty eight and children by thirty in order to succeed and live a good life? That's a lot of pressure." James found himself rambling with a frown, still on the subject matter even though they had decided it was best to drop it. "I'm sorry, we said we were done."
Ella hadn't even tried to approach the subject of their holidays with him. Not completely. He was right; his heart had told her everything she needed to know, so there was no point in getting him to try and explain himself. She didn't want to have to explain herself, either.
No right answer? He was completely right. Especially when it came to having a heavy conversation like that with a third party who clearly wouldn't be on his side if he was against her. "No no, it's fine." She replied. Obviously he had to get something off his chest, and he had every right to do so.
"I don't think there can be a set timeline. Everyone's situation is totally different. Same with what they want, or think they need." If it were true, they'd be getting married within a month. "I don't need a ring from you to know you're not going anywhere." The first part wasn't a lie, but the latter of which was something she always struggled with. She could never be sure that he wasn't going to leave her, but those insecurities ran painfully deep.
Although that part of the holidays had been awkward, James understood where Ella's mother was coming from. Had they been at his parents' place, he was positive a similar conversation was inevitable. Most of all, he appreciated just how understanding Ella was. No explanation was necessary because she picked up on all the important details. There was no need to try; he was awful at the whole notion of love and everything.
Except now, maybe. He was trying.
She offered greater insight to the anxiety over time and pressure; it was perfect. Perfectly reassuring. James nodded in agreement with her statement. Of course, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Ella. That wasn't even a thought that took consideration. For some reason, the introduction of marriage made the whole ordeal complicated and hard to discuss.
At least they both were on the same page; there was nowhere else, no-one else. They had each other. "And I know there is no pressure to follow those steps." Really, there was nothing wrong with the current life James had with Ella from his perspective "You might not need a ring, but you might want a ring." James concluded, daring to glance over at her reaction at the distinction.
Ella knew that James was just as flighty as she was when it came to the idea of long lasting relationships. Before she met him a second time, they were horrifying to her. Dedicating to another person was scary, because people were those flight risks.
He seemed comforted by her perspective, which was why she gave the version he took on. At least they both agreed there was no pressure to do anything to a set timeline. She didn't expect the conversation to keep going, but she didn't want to discourage his decision to talk about it. He deserved everything from her.
"I mean..." She started awkwardly. Trying to recover was key, but she wasn't the best at it, "Someday, sure. But not because to think it's what I need. That's a mutual thing."
James waited to hear Ella's response all the way through before he even thought about answering. Nodding, he sensed the awkward undertones that lined her voice. Understandable, given how direct his previous statement had been. "Someday." James repeated. Somehow, the prospect seemed a little less terrifying. It was an equal acknowledgement that it was part of the future, not necessarily the immediate future. But someday.
Her clarification eased his conscious. She was right; it had to be a mutual thing. There was no other way to go about it. "Gotcha." James finally replied, after some thought. Not anything too introspective.
"You know, I'm glad this conversation came up." All of it.
It was hard to even try to explain how Ella felt about the prospect of their future. She never wanted to push him because she never wanted to be pushed herself. Hypocrisy wasn't something she ever wanted to deserve to be accused of; scared as he potentially could be, she knew he could be just as bad. At least, she was sure they were on the same level.
It wasn't like she expected him to drop down on one knee right then and there, that was for sure. Well, she was pretty sure that wasn't what she wanted.
"Yeah, definitely. It's good." She replied, snapping herself out of her daze quickly; "I didn't know you thought about any of this at all, so."
Someday was less overwhelming. Not that James was expecting to have an answer by the end of there conversation today. It was inevitable, though. At least Ella hadn't admitted that it was a need, because he wasn't sure how to follow up with the statement. He tried not to dwell on it for too long, as the conversation moved on.
Giving her hand a gentle squeeze, James looked over after Ella's reply. He let out an amused breath, a hint of laughter at her last statement. "Of course I think about this stuff. I just never know how to bring it up." He admitted. Because he knew better than to try and lie to her. "You know, timing and whatnot."
"I'm just relived you have given it some thought as well." Maybe it meant that he could try and bring it up again someday. Once James was better prepared and at least had some sort of idea what to say.
